


Finding Me in Us

by rinnenotsubasa



Series: Cheol, Cheollie [6]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bottom Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups, Denial of Feelings, Eventual Smut, Family, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Strangers to Lovers, Top Jeon Wonwoo, gyuhao not gay here sorry, side pairing boochan, wongyuhao bros
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:49:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28647834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rinnenotsubasa/pseuds/rinnenotsubasa
Summary: For Choi Seungcheol, Jeon Wonwoo was a mystery tempting to unravel. And yet Seungcheol would rather spend the rest of his days not knowing the truth waiting behind.Or so he thought.
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups & Lee Chan | Dino, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Jeon Wonwoo
Series: Cheol, Cheollie [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/524431
Comments: 24
Kudos: 52
Collections: Seventeen Rare Pair Fest: 2 Rare 2 Pair





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [SVTRarePairFest2](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/SVTRarePairFest2) collection. 



> **Prompt:**  
>  Self prompt
> 
>  **Warning:**  
>  Homophobia, curse words and violence against homosexuals, but there are no explicit descriptions on the act of violence.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungcheol and Wonwoo shared a few classes a week without ever greeting or talking to each other. It was supposed to stay that way.

It’s ironic how Jeon Wonwoo did nothing, probably not to attract any attention, yet ended up monopolizing the gaze from most students filling this lecture room in the Faculty of Mathematics and Natural Science, Handae University. The attention was probably piqued by the words going around the campus: they say Jeon Wonwoo had the looks that could make any women get down on their knees, but the potential was wasted because of his unapproachable demeanor, and most importantly, his lack of interest in the opposite sex.

Choi Seungcheol had no idea of how much truth the rumor had. Regarding the cold attitude, there was solid evidence backing it up. It’s been almost four months since the start of their freshman year, and Seungcheol had never seen Wonwoo talking to anyone in this campus aside from the professors (when it’s absolutely necessary to do so), Kim Mingyu and Xu Minghao. It’s not like Seungcheol had many chances to see Wonwoo though. They belonged to the same faculty, but Seungcheol was studying Physics, while Wonwoo, Mingyu, and Minghao were in the Chemistry department. 

Since the new student orientation, the three Chemistry students had been the talks of the faculty, first because of their looks, and eventually because of their quirks. For Minghao and Mingyu’s case, people couldn’t help but turn their heads at their arrival because the two dressed like they belonged in Cultural Sciences or Arts. Nah, even Handae’s Cultural Science and Arts students didn’t dress as gaudy as them. It’s more believable if Mingyu and Minghao had been studying fashion at some expensive, private university.

The friendship between two attention-grabber, good-looking guys with one gloomy, good-looking guy kept people tilting their heads in confusion. As far as Sengcheol had seen, it did look like the three of them genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. Several times a week the Chemistry and Physics department students attended the same classes for faculty mandatory subjects. Before the professors arrived, Seungcheol often saw the trio with relaxed smiles as they chatted in the corner of the classroom. Yes, even that infamously aloof Wonwoo had the edges of his lips curving up, albeit so slightly that it’s almost unnoticeable.

As for the rumors about Wonwoo’s sexual orientation, there was no way for Seungcheol to find out the truth. The two of them merely shared the same space to listen to their professors babbling about Calculus and Mathematics, it’s not like there was any chance to talk to each other. And unlike Mingyu and Minghao who regularly showed up in students’ parties or campus events, each having female companions on their arms, Wonwoo was rarely found during those kinds of gatherings, let alone being seen together with a woman.

The only certainty in the whispers was the part that said Wonwoo was good looking. One simply had to be blind to not see the fact.  The lines of his face were both sharp and delicate, reminding Seungcheol of the sculptures he saw in Leeum Museum one time as someone uneducated in arts and only visited to accompany and humor his grandparents; he couldn’t understand it and it made him feel things he didn’t have the words to express.  Imagine touching those cheeks, caressing the fair skin under the sharp cheekbones while gazing at those ruminative orbs, day and night….. 

Every time the idea crossed his mind, Seungcheol would always try to brush it off with a shudder. It took him a while to calm his palpitating heart, but at least he’s always been successful to stop himself from being captivated by Wonwoo’s eyes whenever their gaze met and quickly break the connection. He had a revolting thought that he wouldn’t be able to resist if their gaze had locked for a full second or more, so in those rare times of meeting Wonwoo’s eyes, Seungcheol always put effort to look away first. 

For Choi Seungcheol, Jeon Wonwoo was a mystery tempting to unravel. And yet Seungcheol would rather spend the rest of his days not knowing the truth waiting behind.

Or so he thought.

*****

Seungcheol’s heart and brain refused to reach an agreement. He was supposed to obey all the warning signs in his head and walk away as if he saw nothing. But it was impossible to ignore the sickening churn in his chest that appeared from the thought of leaving Wonwoo in the back of the student center building. The Chemistry student was somehow soaked to the skin despite the sunny weather, and possibly injured, judging from the way Wonwoo used the wall for support as he dragged his own body forward.

There’s an ounce of rationality left in Seungcheol’s brain that tells him, if he’s going ahead with this foolish act, at least be discreet about it. Not feeling secure simply by slinging the hood of his jacket over his head, Seungcheol rummaged his pants pocket for his handkerchief and tied the fabric over his mouth. He must’ve looked suspicious, with his eyes as the only visible part of him, and yet Wonwoo barely showed any sign of wariness as Seungcheol approached. 

Seungcheol didn’t miss the way Wonwoo’s eyes glinted in recognition when their gaze met. He said nothing about it. Instead, Seungcheol hissed, “I’ll get you dry clothes” and gestured for Wonwoo to follow him. Wonwoo’s response was a single nod. 

It seemed that Wonwoo’s injury was worse than Seungcheol had predicted. Even after Seungcheol slowed his steps, Wonwoo was still lagging behind. There’s not a single sound of complaint coming out from Wonwoo’s lips, but the pain managed to disturb his usually composed face, creating a frown and a pool of sweat on his forehead. Seungcheol involuntarily creased his own forehead at the pitiful sight.

Once again Seungcheol found himself dismissing logic for this annoying thing called emotion. Anger prompted him to turn around and walk until he reached Wonwoo’s right side. There’s a moment of pause as he hesitated before taking Wonwoo’s right arm and putting it over his shoulders. Wonwoo was only a few centimeters taller than Seungcheol, it should be fairly easy to walk like this, if Wonwoo didn’t get beaten up so badly that he winced with every step they took. Apparently the worst damage was on the left side of his torso, so Seungcheol gave up on holding Wonwoo by the waist. He slung an arm behind Wonwoo’s back and gripped his left shoulder to make sure the injured male didn't fall. Being in direct contact with Wonwoo’s soaked body made Seungcheol shiver, but he never let his grip falter. 

Yes, Seungcheol knew Wonwoo had taken a beating despite the latter not saying a single word about it. He even had a guess on the possible culprits: Minki, Youngjae, and Kibum from the Engineering Faculty. Seungcheol and them were not exactly buddies, but they had shared some good times and casual conversations with them at campus and parties, having their faculties located across from each other. They had bonded over similar interests and values, including how they viewed Wonwoo and his people. It was just a few days ago when they conversed and Kibum mentioned that they might “give the faggots in this campus a lesson or two.” The others seemed genuinely amused as they roared along with Kibum and praised the brilliant plan. Seungcheol found himself faking a laugh despite agreeing to every word they said up until the promise of violence.

Feeling the weight of Wonwoo’s body pressing on him, Seungcheol told himself to put aside his anger for now and focus on Wonwoo first. There’s this room near the back exit of the student center building, belonging to the handcraft club. Seungcheol happened to know that all members were out for a get-together (the club treasurer was a fellow Physics student) and they never bothered to lock their room. Convincing himself that the club members wouldn’t mind, Seungcheol took Wonwoo to their room. 

After helping Wonwoo to sit on a chair, Seungcheol took off the sling bag dangling on his own back and took out a short-sleeved button up. He usually had a spare clothing in his bag because he didn’t like going to class feeling sweaty after a 40-minute ride on a packed train, but today he took too much time helping an elderly woman with her belongings and ended up running from the station to campus to barely making it to his first class of the day. There was also no time to change in between classes today, and so the spare clothing was left untouched. 

Seungcheol was unsure of how Wonwoo would react to him offering his clothes. He couldn’t completely hide the nervousness from his voice as he said, “It’s clean.”

Looking at the shirt and then at Seungcheol’s face, the muscles of Wonwoo’s face still looked tense from pain, but the area around his mouth seemed to relax, giving way into a smile. Seungcheol didn’t stay still to witness the smile fully blooming, quickly turning his body around to give Wonwoo private space to get changed. He refused to admit that he’s actually trying to hide his own flushed face. 

Seungcheol didn’t want to think of the reason he blushed, so he averted his focus to the facts of their current situation: Jeon Wonwoo was injured, possibly took a beating, and the perpetrators were most probably fellow students. Seungcheol wasn’t sure of the university’s view on students like Wonwoo, but he’s quite confident that they wouldn’t let violent acts go unpunished. So Seungcheol should report it, right? To the rectorate or the Engineering Faculty where the suspects belonged to? But first of all, Wonwoo was badly hurt. Sure Seungcheol could handle first aids but what if Wonwoo got one or two broken bones? Call the ambulance? It would cause a scene, and Seungcheol felt that he’s not the only one who would think of it as an inconvenience. 

_ Yes, it’s not just because he’s avoiding being seen with Jeon Wonwoo. Not like that. _

The thought was supposed to be a secret as Seungcheol wasn’t vocalizing it for anyone else, but they sounded so loud in his head that he was convinced someone might hear it. 

There’s a squeaky sound of chair legs scratching the floor, followed by a low grunt. That broke Seungcheol’s trail of thoughts and made him turn around. At the end of his gaze was Wonwoo, already gotten rid of his wet shirt and changed into Seungcheol’s button up. The navy blue shirt was a tad too short because Wonwoo had a longer torso, but surprisingly not too loose on his body. The short sleeves hugged Wonwoo’s arms nicely, showing what looked like well-trained muscles. Now that Seungcheol thought about it, he had never seen Wonwoo wearing short sleeves or tight-fitting clothes before. He had been assuming that Wonwoo was considerably thinner than him. 

Seungcheol belatedly realized that he was staring at the exposed skin of Wonwoo’s arm when Wonwoo started walking away from the chair and let out another grunt. It was obvious that he was still in considerable pain. Seungcheol worried that he might indeed have a broken bone somewhere.

“W-we should take you to the hospital,” Seungcheol suggested despite not knowing how he could get them there. It didn’t seem wise to take the injured Wonwoo with a full-packed bus and he currently didn’t bring enough cash for a taxi ride to the nearest hospital. 

Seungcheol’s dilemma might be showing from his expression. He said nothing and yet Wonwoo simply looked at Seungcheol’s face before calmly announcing, “I’ll call my friends.”

When Kim Mingyu and Xu Minghao arrived at the club room, rage and worry written all over their faces, they only spared Seungcheol a single glance before hurrying to check on Wonwoo. It should’ve stung to be ignored, but Seungcheol took it as an opportunity. Just as Minghao helped Wonwoo to get on Mingyu’s back, Seungcheol slipped out of the door and took a dash.

****

One day after Seungcheol found Wonwoo limping around, the whole campus knew Jeon Wonwoo was assaulted by four students of the Engineering Faculty. It was indeed Minki, Youngjae, and Kibum, along with another male student Seungcheol wasn’t acquainted with. The culprits were given 2-weeks suspension by the faculty, a decision that prompted mixed reactions from other students. On Seungcheol’s first class that day, one male student asked the professor whether the penalty meant that the university was “pro-gay people.” The older male’s face stiffened, but he seemed adamant to keep his composure. “The university doesn’t condone violence,” he simply said. The answer left a restless feeling in Seungcheol’s chest and he spent the rest of the day wondering why he felt bothered in the first place. 

In the end Seungcheol decided that he was anxious because it was a Wednesday. On Thursday he’s having Introduction to Calculus with Wonwoo and he didn’t know how he should act. There’s worry nagging him to find out how Wonwoo had been doing since the beating, but he couldn’t imagine himself approaching Wonwoo tomorrow. He just couldn’t. Just seeing him should be enough to find out if he’s okay. But what if  _ Wonwoo approaches him _ ? To say thanks maybe, who knew. It’s scary thinking of what the other students would think when they saw him with Wonwoo. 

On the day of their shared class, Seungcheol arrived early and secured himself a seat on the left side of the classroom. It’s not the farthest point from Wonwoo’s usual seat at the right side, Seungcheol deliberately chose it because it should be out of Wonwoo’s field of view. There was still 10 minutes left before the lesson, so Seungcheol thought it’s enough time for him to relieve his bladder. 

Alas, on his way out of the classroom Seungcheol saw Jeon Wonwoo walking through the door and towards him. The Chemistry student was alone, which was nothing new because Wonwoo usually arrived in class earlier than Mingyu and Minghao, but it also meant that there’s nothing distracting Wonwoo’s attention. Seungcheol’s first instinct was to turn on his heels and go back to his seat until Wonwoo passed, but the little voice in his brain told him that it would make him extremely suspicious. So what should he do?

While Seungcheol was busy with his internal conflict, Wonwoo kept his steady pace and walked past Seungcheol’s left side. The Chemistry student walked slowly, probably in consideration of his recent injury, but he didn’t show any sign of stopping at Seungcheol’s presence. In fact, Wonwoo’s gaze never wavered despite Seungcheol being inside his field of view the whole time. It was as if Seungcheol didn’t even exist in Wonwoo’s world. That’s supposed to be the best outcome, and yet there’s a pang in Seungcheol’s chest, telling him it’s not what he actually wanted. Seungcheol tried to ignore it along with the buzz of gossiping students around him.

Even after Seungcheol came back from the toilet, the classroom was still filled with murmurs. Seungcheol put his energy to shut out the noise, and found relief when the professor came and the whispering naturally died down. However that didn’t make it easy for Seungcheol to concentrate on the functions written on the whiteboard. He could feel that many pairs of eyes were still focused on their infamous friend at the right side of the classroom. 

The topic of Wonwoo’s assault kept everyone talking for the rest of the week. It seemed that Seungcheol’s role was completely unknown to the public so there’s no mention of his name in the words going around. Wonwoo never acknowledged his presence on campus, although Mingyu and Minghao sometimes glanced at him with an inscrutable gaze on their eyes. 

On Monday Seungcheol had Mathematics with Chemistry students. Wonwoo still walked past him as if Seungcheol wasn’t even in his sight. Yet somehow at the end of the class he found a paper bag by his chair. Folded neatly inside of the bag was the short-sleeved button up he gave to Wonwoo a few days ago.    


***


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungcheol’s world started to crash down. And then there’s Wonwoo.

The world was doomed, Seungcheol thought as he dragged his feet through the road between the university cafeteria and the Medical Faculty. Less than two hours ago he had gone all out of his way to this cafeteria far away from his own faculty, with light steps and excitement dancing in chest, for the sake of meeting his younger cousin, Lee Chan. Yet after lunch all that’s left inside Seungcheol were self-hatred and something close to despair. 

Chan was a cousin from his mother’s side. Seungcheol’s mother, who went by Kim Hana before marriage, was the oldest of 5 siblings. All siblings had close relationships, always celebrating Chuseok at the house of Kim family eldest daughter ever since grandpa and grandma passed away. But physical distance and adult responsibilities prevented them from meeting for more than once a year.

The only exception was the youngest of the 5 siblings, Kim Jeongyeon, who now went as Lee Jeongyeon. Auntie Jeongyeon lived in a different town, a two-hours ride from here, which was close enough for the always energetic Auntie Jeongyeon. She would always make her time to drive here at least once every season, bringing her husband and only son so the two families could have a simple lunch together. That’s how Seungcheol got to meet Chan quite often. 

Chan wasn’t the youngest in all of Seungcheol’s cousins, but he’s definitely the cutest. He had this vitality akin to his mother’s, and also a strong drive to persist even when he was still very young. Seungcheol still remembered this one moment when he was 7 and Chan was 6. They were playing at a park near Seungcheol’s house. Seungcheol and Chan took a spot next to the sandbox since the small circle was already filled with three other kids. Their fathers sat down chatting on a nearby bench after their invitation to play was rejected by their own kids. The two cousins were so thrilled with their new robots they just got (from Seungcheol’s father who was feeling generous after getting a bonus), assembling the parts as soon as they got them out of the boxes and just couldn’t wait to go fight monsters with them. 

They were so engrossed with fighting monsters that none of them noticed the kid stepping out of the sandbox. Chan had just sprung to his feet as he fought the (imaginary) winged monster, and the sudden movement made him collide with the other kid. They both fell to ground, which thankfully didn’t result in any serious injury, but there was casualty. Chan unfortunately dropped his robot and stepped on it as he fell, twisting the arm joint until it broke.

Chan’s face was scrunched as he looked at his broken robot. Everyone tried to wipe the frown from Chan’s face, Seungcheol by offering his robot, his dad by making a promise to buy Chan a new one, and Chan’s father by coaxing his son to cry it out and get relief. Chan’s eyes trembled greatly, but the 6 year old seemed determined to not let a single tear fall. He only let his father carry him and hold him in his chest as they walked home, but Seungcheol never saw Chan crying for the rest of the day. Chan’s frown deepened a bit as their mothers cooed at him to make him smile again, but after dinner his expressions had relaxed. Seungcheol was amazed at how stubborn Chan was, and at the same time feeling fond at how hard Chan tried to be okay. The next morning Chan was already brimming with energy again, playing with his robot and treating the broken arm as a heroic mark of humanity’s ally and world’s savior. This was one of the reasons Chan was Seungcheol’s favorite cousin.

Auntie Jeongyeon sometimes teased Seungcheol for being biased. Seungcheol felt his favoritism was justified because Chan was his mother’s favorite nephew too.

More than a decade after the robot incident, Seungcheol became a university sophomore and his cousin became of age to enroll in college. Seungcheol was thrilled to hear that Chan got accepted into the same university as him, but the excitement was slightly ruined when he found out that his dear cousin got himself a place to live, an apartment room he rented with a friend. Seungcheol’s mother had nagged Chan for not moving into her house instead, while Auntie Jeongyeon told them with an amused voice that she had failed in convincing Chan to live with family and started to see this as an opportunity for Chan to be independent. Seungcheol never said it out loud but he felt the same as his mother, disappointed at Chan’s decision. There’s a silver lining, he convinced himself. At least now they didn’t have to travel 2 hours to see each other. 

On the first day Chan arrived in town, Seungcheol couldn’t wait any longer and told Chan to meet him at campus the next day. “I’ll show you around,” Seungcheol said in his text. Chan replied with cute stickers and a question whether it’s okay if he brings his roommate to tag along. “Of course” was Seungcheol’s answer.

In Seungcheol’s imagination, today was supposed to be a great day. He’s meeting his baby cousin, who’s apparently no longer a baby and old enough to go to university. Channie! A university student! Excitement filled his body and warmed him despite the cool spring air.

Entering the cafeteria building didn’t make him feel any warmer. It’s impossible to feel so when he saw his cousin pinching the cheeks of another boy, a curly brown haired with soft facial features and bright eyes, before moving his fingers to caress the plump cheeks. The other boy pouted in protest, though it lasted mere seconds as his lips bloomed into a genuine smile. Seungcheol watched the scene with horror gripping his heart, which intensified as the other boy leaned his face further into Chan’s touch. He tried to confront the fear by telling himself that it’s just physical affection between friends, but the gaze exchanged between the two boys told him that he was simply denying a blatant truth.

Seungcheol approached their table when Chan’s hand finally left the other boy. He pretended not to see what just happened with a tiny hope budding inside his chest. Maybe it would not be a fact if he simply ignored it. But his dear cousin shattered the wishful expectation by introducing the boy as Boo Seungkwan and his boyfriend. 

The lunch was an awkward experience, at least for Seungcheol. Sitting across the table, Chan and Seungkwan were all smiles and laughs. If Seungcheol were being honest, the smile on Chan’s face was the brightest Seungcheol had ever seen on his cousin. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to be happy for his own family. It was a torturous feeling.

After they’re done with the meal and returned the plates to the dish collection rack, the three of them walked out of the cafeteria building. According to plan, it should be time for them to tour around campus with Seungcheol as the guide. But now Seungcheol was having second thoughts and it forced him to stand still near the cafeteria door. He made an excuse to the younger males, saying that there’s a text he needed to reply and pretended to fiddle with his phone. It was hard to think while putting up an act and getting distracted by the lovers’ intertwined hands. If only Chan and Seungkwan could stop holding hands, Seungcheol silently wished.

Finding the right words to say was difficult and eventually Seungcheol settled with, “I, uh--Couldn’t wait to show you around but, uh--ehm, I totally forgot that I had a group work and my friends are going to kill me if I skip…”

“Oh, it’s fine,” Seungkwan responded with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “We would hate to bother you.”

Seungcheol tried to tell the younger boy that he wasn’t a bother, which was a lie. A futile attempt that was quickly seen through by his cousin.

“Don’t worry, Seungcheol-hyung,” Chan said. He was smiling too, but just like his lover, it wasn’t the sincere smile that Chan showed earlier today.

“We really won’t bother you anymore.” There’s something final in Chan’s tone. Like that day when they were children and Chan grumpily declared that he’s not going to cry over his broken robot. Hearing it in this situation made Seungcheol’s stomach sink.

“But--”

“I thought you’d be okay with us but…” Chan let out a mocking laugh that sounded like it wasn’t exactly directed at Seungcheol, but left a sting on Seungcheol’s chest nonetheless. “Seems that I didn’t know you that well.”

“I don’t--Look.” 

A pause, Seungcheol clearing his throat before squeezing out his best convincing tone. 

“I don’t have anything against you two,” To Seungcheol’s ears it sounded like he’s trying to convince himself instead. “I just… don’t think you should be that open… with the hand holding and touching… It’s the metropolis but not everyone here is that, uhm, open-minded.”

Seungcheol thought he saw disappointment in Chan’s smile as the younger replied with “We’ll note that. Thank you” yet he couldn’t do anything but watch the younger males turning around and walking to the other side of the campus, hands still intertwined. For a moment Seungcheol stayed rooted to the spot, watching their backs getting smaller and smaller until they disappeared, wishing the ugly feeling that sunk its claws on his heart would vanish along with the lovers.

That wish was never granted. Seungcheol walked to the opposite direction with the ugly feeling still consuming him until he stopped paying attention to anything else but the pain. In this dazed state Seungcheol somehow ended up in the parking lot of the university library, right behind the library’s third and smallest building. The spot he arrived on was next to a small booth meant for security personnel guarding the parking lot. The booth was deserted because now the security guard was stationed at a new booth on the other side of the lot. The old one was left empty, there’s not even a chair inside.

Seungcheol hesitated for a second before stepping inside the booth, unsure if it’s okay for him to do this. In the end he submitted to this overwhelming need to hide from the world, and so he excused himself and plopped down on the empty floor.

He’s not sure how much time passed since then. Next thing he knew, there’s Jeon Wonwoo standing close to the glass window, looking right down to where Seungcheol was sitting with crossed legs. Did Wonwoo see him going inside the booth? If so, why did Wonwoo go all out of his way to follow? Questions filled Seungcheol’s head as he involuntarily stared at his fellow sophomore.

The Chemistry student opened the door quietly. He didn’t step inside immediately, instead he stood by the slightly opened door and asked, “Do you mind?” 

Seungcheol didn’t know why he shook his head. He wanted to disappear and yet he’s inviting someone else to his solitude. Someone whom he desperately tried to avoid the past year, and should’ve been for the next three years until graduation.

It was his eyes, Seungcheol thought. It’s like they were speaking and Seungcheol heard them say “ _It’s okay_.” Seungcheol scolded himself mentally for being so imaginative.

Wonwoo responded to Seungcheol’s silent agreement by pulling the door wider and letting himself in. He silently settled himself on a spot on Seungcheol’s left, stretching his legs out in front of him.

“Mind if I do some reading here?” Wonwoo asked with a casual tone, as if they were inside the library and sharing a table, not in an abandoned security booth in the parking lot. 

“You don’t have to ask me for permissions… It’s the school’s property anyway…” Seungcheol answered, feigning Wonwoo’s level of casualness. Seconds later he started to regret. Was his words too harsh? His tone wasn’t aggressive or anything so it should be okay, right? 

Seungcheol was aware of how much he’s fretting over whether he had irritated Wonwoo or not. Fortunately, or rather _unfortunately_ , Wonwoo seemed to notice Seungcheol’s worry and turned his face ever so slightly to give Seungcheol a small and brief, but reassuring smile. “Take your time,” Wonwoo gently said before taking out a book from his bag and fixed his gaze on the pages. 

That comforting smile. _Take your time._

While Wonwoo seemed to be engrossed in reading, Seungcheol was left to take in the effect of Wonwoo's action and words. His buzzing mind slowly turned quiet, the thoughts about Wonwoo also faded out, leaving room for Seungcheol to actually feel what’s gripping his chest in a crushing hold. Worry about the treatment Chan would get on campus. Upset because Chan was so adamant to ignore the risks of being open. Fear of how their family would react if they knew. Shame towards Seungcheol himself, who couldn’t even bear being seen in public with his gay cousin. 

After going through all of them, the ugly feelings were still lingering in his chest. Now those feelings simply existed, with all their weight, but that was it. It’s Seungcheol’s perspective that has shifted, making him experience the feelings in a different way that’s not so unbearable.

Relief provided Seungcheol the luxury to think about what has brought this change. He glanced to his left, trying to be inconspicuous as he took in Wonwoo’s side profile. The Chemistry student hadn’t spoken another word since he opened his book, and even now he had his gaze fixed to the open pages on his palms. Seungcheol briefly looked away to reach for his phone in his pants and see the time. It’s almost 5 PM. They must’ve been sitting here for at least 2 hours and Wonwoo had been by his side the whole time. When Seungcheol turned his head to look at Wonwoo again, there’s warmth slipping in between the lingering ugly feelings in his chest.

While letting the warmth soak in, Seungcheol belatedly realized that he was no longer stealing glances at Wonwoo. It was the turn of Wonwoo’s neck that made him aware of how he had been outrightly staring, although by then it was already too late. Their gaze met and Seungcheol found himself too stunned to make up an excuse.

“You okay?” Wonwoo asked. The book on his lap was still splayed open despite Wonwoo no longer had his gaze on it..

Seungcheol felt his own face warming and prayed hard that he didn’t look too red. “I… just, um… what are you reading?”

Wonwoo blinked once at Seungcheol’s question then lifted up his book, showing the cover to Seungcheol. The title was written in latin alphabet and although Seungcheol’s English is mediocre at best, he could at least understand the meaning of some of the words in the English title _Embracing the Moon in Eternal’s Sky_. 

“I’ve read the original so I figured I should try the English version, for practice.”

“You can read English?”

“So far I can only understand like 30% of the content.”

“...I thought you’re good enough to read it.”

Wonwoo chuckled as he shook his head. “That’s exactly why--” he twirled his wrist and along with it, the English novel. “--practice.”

When Seungcheol only responded with a hum and nod, Wonwoo didn’t seem to mind and started to move his attention back to his book. Instead of letting him do so, Seungcheol opened his mouth again.

“Why did you come here?” The words came out in a hurry, as if they would miss the chance to be spoken if it took any longer. Indeed, Seungcheol didn’t want to say them. He didn’t want to know the answer, or so he tried to convince himself.

Wonwoo closed his book, gently putting it on his lap before turning to Seungcheol. “I saw you going in. You didn’t come out after quite some time.” 

It was a short explanation, but enough for Seungcheol to feel the concern and sincerity in it. The warmth in his chest kept growing and spreading, enough for him to almost forget all the other ugly feelings. This felt nice, and Seungcheol didn’t know how to react to it. 

Seungcheol, however, was saved from coming up with a response when Wonwoo continued his words. 

“I’ll go first. You should wait for a while.”

Seungcheol watched as Wonwoo put his book inside his bag and brought himself up on his feet. There’s a tiny hope inside Seungcheol for Wonwoo to say something like “See you at class” although he knew it’s impossible. Wonwoo went all his way to check on Seungcheol while trying to not let them get seen together, which was of course, for Seungcheol’s sake. Even if they meet again in class tomorrow, Wonwoo would pretend like they’ve never talked to each other. 

So Seungcheol didn’t protest when he only got a small smile before Wonwoo went out of the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank your the comments, kudos, bookmarks, and subscribes!
> 
> I'm aiming to post all chapters by the reveal date, but if I can't make it I'll post one chapter per week.  
> Please look forward to it ^^


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was inevitable. Seungcheol wasn’t ready.

Seungcheol tried to blame the professor for making the class end past the scheduled time, and the rain for pouring hard like it had a grudge against the earth. If he had gotten out of the class earlier, he might have made it to the bus terminal before the rain started to fall. And if there had been no rain, he would have been well on his way home right now.

Okay, it’s actually Seungcheol’s fault for ignoring the weather forecast and not bringing his umbrella. Also the reckless driver of that silver sedan going ridiculously fast in this heavy rain.

Now Seungcheol was facing the consequences in the art club room, slightly shivering with wet clothes sticking to his skin. In front of him, Mingyu and Minghao were already taking off their soaked shirts. Mingyu’s olive green long-sleeved shirt was less drenched compared to Minghao’s white dress shirt or Seungcheol’s button up. It’s because Mingyu pulled Seungcheol into his umbrella and let Seungcheol walk on his left when the Chemistry trio saw Seungcheol standing at Building A entrance, glaring at the dark sky. Minghao and Wonwoo each had their own umbrella, and they all walked in a line on the narrow pedestrian lane. Mingyu was the only one walking on the inner side of the lane, away from the splash of dirty water when that crazy driver passed by. 

It was Minghao’s idea to take refuge in the art club room, which Minghao was a part of. Once inside, MInghao and Mingyu didn’t waste any time taking off their shirts, even stripping off their pants and jeans as if Wonwoo and Seungcheol were not in the same room. It looked like they couldn’t stand standing around in wet clothes any second longer. 

It shouldn’t be weird as they’re all men, and yet Seungcheol couldn’t help but feel this awkward tingle under his skin as he saw a hell lot of exposed skin from his fellow sophomore students. Mingyu was wearing simple gray trunks that accentuated his perky butts, which were followed by well-toned legs. Next to him Minghao had stripped down to a boxer, and while he’s not as thick as Mingyu in his lower body, the leanness communicated strength instead of unattractiveness. Not to mention his arms. Those--

Seungcheol came to his senses when Wonwoo entered his vision. The latter was helping Mingyu and Minghao with handing them dry clothes, which he had procured from who-knew-where while Seungcheol had been busy ogling. 

_What was I--?_

Realizing the thoughts that filled his mind just a few seconds ago, Seungcheol felt an extreme sense of shame. It felt even worse when he noticed how there was heat boiling at the bottom of his stomach. 

The embarrassment increased as Seungcheol realized he hadn’t even started taking off his drenched clothes. Mingyu and Minghao didn’t seem to notice that. They left the room as soon as they had finished changing, saying something about getting hot drinks. Seungcheol couldn’t catch their exact words, too busy fiddling with his own clothes while trying not to be overly conscious at being left alone with Wonwoo. 

Thinking that it would be weird for him to hesitate, Seungcheol braced himself and turned to face away from the Chemistry student. His fingers finally reached for the first button of his shirt, but he didn’t get to unfasten the second button as he heard Wonwoo announcing, “I’ll wait outside.”

“Wha--?” 

Seungcheol was taken aback by the suddenness. He didn’t even stop to think as he turned around and faced Wonwoo, who was already heading towards the door, still in his wet clothes. 

“Why?” Seungcheol’s mouth went ahead of his head and blurted, “You didn’t have a problem when it’s Mingyu and Minghao.”

Wonwoo’s side profile showed him taking a gulp before answering with his usual quiet voice. “I’m not, uhm, interested in them.” The Chemistry student didn’t give Seungcheol time to process his words and walked out of the door.

Left alone inside the room, Seungcheol couldn’t stop wondering about the meaning of Wonwoo’s answer, imagining the full expression on Wonwoo’s face that Seungcheol didn’t get to see. He concluded that he wouldn’t be able to stay on his feet if Wonwoo had looked at him in the eyes as he said the words.

****

Now that Chan was living in the same town, Seungcheol’s mother couldn’t stand being apart from his favourite nephew. She insisted that Chan visits their house as often as possible. Being the good nephew he was, Chan fulfilled her wish and frequently stopped by for a meal together, once every weekend at the very least. 

Whenever Chan visits, he never avoids Seungcheol or shows any signs of hostility towards his older cousin. His smile was as bright as ever, lightening up the room and the people inside. All except Seungcheol. 

It was difficult for Seungcheol to feel at ease. Not when every time his family happened to leave the room and it’s just the two of them, Chan’s smile failed to reach his eyes. Not when they shared a conversation and their gaze met, a ray of distrust showed up and dimmed the light on Chan’s eyes.

Seungcheol tried to pretend as if that lunch at the university cafeteria never happened, while Chan wordlessly, and generously, humored him. But it was impossible to ignore the effect of that incident. Seungcheol had hurt Chan’s feelings with his actions (also lack of actions) and that inevitably brought change within Chan, albeit invisible to their family. 

Chan was no longer the younger cousin who adored Seungcheol as much as Seungcheol adored him. 

Heartbroken, Seungcheol put his effort to return their relationship into its previous state, not only at home but also at campus. After a few months Seungcheol were blessed with a few moments where his cousin seemed comfortable enough to laugh his heart out at Seungcheol’s jokes, but he was still far from getting his dear cousin back. 

And Chan has yet to meet Seungcheol with Seungkwan on his side. There’s a part of Seungcheol that wanted to address it, to confirm whether Chan was doing it out of consideration for Seungcheol, or because he thought Seungcheol would say something again about his relationship with Seungkwan. Deep inside Seungcheol knew that the reason didn’t matter; the important thing was he’s yet to earn Chan’s forgiveness. Seungcheol kept looking for his chance. 

One time Seungcheol saw Chan talking to Wonwoo in the library. The sight of the unlikely duo created questions that begged Seungcheol to be solved. Yet Seungcheol pretended as if he never saw anything. He didn’t know how to bring it up to Chan, especially when he’s walking on eggshells. He couldn’t get the answer from Wonwoo. It’s not like he could just approach Wonwoo and talk to him. They no longer shared any classes in the last semester of sophomore year and haven’t had any conversation ever since that day of unfortunate heavy rain. Months went by of Seungcheol not talking with Wonwoo and catching glimpses of the Chemistry student from afar, until the night of their faculty’s anniversary festival. 

That night the student body set up a stage for students to perform and arranged for student clubs to sell snacks and drinks to the visitors. Seungcheol came to see his friends but wasn’t in a festive mood, so after meeting and chatting with some people, he retreated to a spot far at the opposite of the stage. He settled himself on a wooden desk with seats attached that fit around 3 people on each side. There were students less than a hundred meters from the desk, but they’re all busy enjoying the party atmosphere while Seungcheol absentmindedly gazed at them.

He didn’t know how long he'd been lost in thought, all that he knew was that there’s an intruder to this solitary space he monopolized among the crowd. There’s a thud to the wooden surface of the desk, prompting Seungcheol to twist his neck to the left. A large cardboard box appeared on his line of sight. There was no marking on the box appearance or anything that could tell Seungcheol what it contained, but judging by the sound when the box arrived, it must be something heavy. 

The person carrying the box seemed to be having trouble with it, their panting seeped through surrounding noise and reached Seungcheol’s ear. Just as Seungcheol stretched his neck to have a better look of that person, Wonwoo straightened up from behind the box. The Chemistry student looked slightly disheveled with hair sticking to his forehead, probably from sweat. An image from the time Seungcheol lent Wonwoo his shirt in the handcraft club room flashed through Seungcheol’s mind. The way Wonwoo’s arms filled the sleeves of Seungcheol’s shirt, followed by thoughts wondering how heavy the cardboard box must be to make Wonwoo out of breath. That was when Wonwoo lifted his gaze and met Seungcheol’s. In an instant, Seungcheol felt his cheeks burning.

“Sorry” was the first word that was exchanged between them. It was from Wonwoo’s low voice. 

“I’ll leave in a minute,” the Chemistry student continued as his chest moved up and down with decreasing speed, showing how his breathing turned even.

Meanwhile Seungcheol was taken aback by the calm words, with how they were uttered for Seungcheol’s sake. Now that he thought about it, Wonwoo always took actions for his sake. Pretending not to recognize him in the classroom, returning his shirt in secret, accompanying him through his breakdown without letting anybody find out. Wonwoo knew it even without Seungcheol saying it out loud: Seungcheol didn’t want to be associated with Wonwoo, a gay man. 

The realization came upon Seungcheol along with the feeling of an invisible hand wrapped over his chest, gripping his heart with a merciless crush. It’s a familiar feeling that has overwhelmed Seungcheol since his relationship with Chan went sour. Enough. He’s fed with it.

And so Seungcheol spoke, albeit with uncertainty brimming from his voice, to the infamous gay student in front of him, “It’s okay. There’s plenty of space.” 

Wonwoo’s fox-like eyes widened at Seungcheol’s words, it surprised Seungcheol that Wonwoo’s eyes could look that round. But the Chemistry student didn’t stay confused for long, nor did he try to force Seungcheol in giving more than he could give. Wonwoo simply nodded and took a seat across the table, butt positioned at the very edge of the wooden bench so that there’s plenty of distance with Seungcheol on the other side. 

Seungcheol hesitated for a moment before pulling out an unopened bottle of mineral water from his bag and stretching his body to put the bottle in front of Wonwoo. The Chemistry student’s eyes went wide once again, although not as big as before. Seungcheol thought he saw a smile when Wonwoo whispered his thank you.

They didn’t exchange another word for the rest of the night.

***

Seungcheol never thought he would experience a waking nightmare once he entered his third year in university.

It started when Seungcheol’s mom asked Chan to visit their house one weekend. Instead of her usual smile, Seungcheol’s mom welcomed Chan with a mix of anger and fear in her eyes. They hadn't even finished their lunch when Seungchol’s mom confronted Chan with a paper in her hand. It’s Handae University’s campus newspaper. She got it from the second daughter of the Park family, who lived on the alley next to Seungcheol’s and also a student in their university.

In the 20 years of his life, Seungcheol had only seen his mother getting angry at Chan once--really angry and not just scolding him for eating too little or not wearing enough layers in the winter. That was 14 years ago, when 5-year-old Chan let go of her hand and ran across the street--without stopping to look both ways--so he could approach another boy with an impressive-looking skateboard on the other side of the road. Seungcheol remembered shrinking in fear back then as his mother raised her voice even though he was not the target of the anger. 

Now Seungcheol’s mother was raising her voice at the 19-year-old Chan, demanding “explanation” on the campus newspaper coverage. The article was on page 3, filling up half of the page, with a heading that said “The Birth of HU’s LGBT Community.” Under the bold text there’s a photograph of Chan holding a stack of flyers while talking in front of a small crowd. 

Seungcheol had heard talks about this organization at campus, but he had practiced selective hearing towards in and other related topics. That one time he saw Chan talking with Wonwoo in the library, it crossed his mind that their conversation might have something to do with the organization. But Seungcheol was too scared to find out the truth, he chose to turn a blind eye. 

If he had known about Chan’s involvement earlier…. If only…. Nah. There’s nothing Seungcheol could’ve done even if he knew. Looking back, Seungcheol could only see himself being a passive bystander. How could he act any differently even if he had known? 

Anger was bubbling up inside Seungcheol, and it wasn’t towards Chan, Mom, or Mrs. Park’s daughter. The target was the only coward in the room. 

Cowardice had its consequence. A series of grave consequences, to be exact. Starting with witnessing how both Mom and Dad didn’t hold back on criticizing Chan’s “deviation”. Mom even bursted into an emotionally loaded sermon after Chan argued (with composed voice and polite wording) that gay people are simply people and not some anomaly. It goes without saying that Chan was no longer welcomed in the Choi family house. This broke Seungcheol’s heart, but what’s even worse was that his mother went out of her way to forbid Seungcheol from meeting Chan at campus. 

It’s not like his mother could see what Seungcheol did at campus, and yet Seungcheol found himself avoiding places where he could bump into Chan. He didn’t send any text either, and just like that he lost contact with his favourite cousin. It’s torture.

Seungcheol couldn’t take it anymore when he went home from campus one day and heard his mother raising her voice. A peek to the living room showed his mother standing in front of the sofa with the cordless phone in her hand. 

“Jeongyeon, your son is _gay_ , for God’s sake!” His mother yelled to the phone, sounding horrific. “ _As long as he’s happy??_ Are you out of your mind???”

The shrill cry triggered Seungcheol’s fight or flight response. His brain had stopped functioning after hearing the absolute disgust from his mother’s voice, and so he let his legs make the decision. They took him fleeing the house with frantic steps.

Seungcheol didn’t know how he got himself back at campus. The next thing he knew was that he’s at the main entrance of Handae University where there’s a huge sign board of the university name, the place where students take photos during entrance and graduation period. Now would be the perfect time to take photos, with warm orange sky floating gently in the background, but of course Seungcheol had no such luxury. The throbbing in his head was excruciating, preventing him from appreciating the scenery. In fact Seungcheol’s sight was somewhat blurred. He could make out the shapes of the sign board and the people walking past, but they all looked distorted. It’s dizzying. 

_No more_ …. the voice inside his head said. It’s quiet yet heavy, compelling Seungcheol to give in to his weakening knees. He was prevented from dropping to the ground by the new figures entering Seungcheol’s line of sight. 

Walking less than a hundred meters from Seungcheol were Chan and Seungkwan. The pair looked unbelievably vivid in Seungcheol’s unreliable vision. Seungcheol could see clearly how Seungkwan’s fingers fit perfectly between Chan’s, how Seungkwan recognized him first and gave Seungcheol an awkward smile before glancing at his boyfriend, how Chan’s expression changed from relaxed to wary. 

Eventually unease left Chan’s eyes, only to make way for a cold gaze. His baby cousin didn’t let the gaze linger much longer and tugged on his boyfriend’s hand, continuing his steps and taking them farther away from Seungcheol.

Seungcheol could still see Chan and Seungkwan’s back figure when his knees finally gave up. The concrete hitting his joints was painful, but nothing compared to the pang of despair stabbing his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with this fic ^^  
> I won't be able to finish everything this weekend but I'll try to post another chapter in a week.  
> Anyway we're having the reveal day soon and I'm wondering if anyone can guess this anon XD
> 
> See you next chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was a part of Seungcheol that was being honest, and another that stayed untruthful.  
> Wonwoo accepted Seungcheol in all his entirety.

Seungcheol woke up and went to campus as usual. He paid attention to his lecturers and did his assignments as well as any third year Chemistry student could manage. When Seungcheol saw his face in the mirror, it did look battered with fatigue, but nothing that seemed too concerning. His family gave him delicious food and warm drink, his fellow students gave him pats on the back. They all thought it’s from all the studying. It was not.

The thing that drained his energy the most was smiling at his family. He loved them and wanted to show them with a smile, but it was taking a toll on him. Every time Seungcheol saw his family’s faces, he saw a glimpse of Chan’s hurt expression on that weekend he got banned from this house. Still, Seungcheol smiled at his family, feeling how his face muscles pulled the edges of his lips upward while his heart stayed numb.

Seungcheol went about his days like that and it continued well into the exam period at the end of the 5th semester. By that time Seungcheol only had enough energy to fake a smile in front of his family. At campus he didn’t bother to keep up the facade. He fit better like that anyway, blending with other sleep-deprived and zombie-like students.

In this distraught state Seungcheol went out of the classroom after his last exam. He’s supposed to feel lighter now that the exam is over, and yet the cloud hanging over Seungcheol’s head never left. There’s a bit of worry about his grades, but that’s merely a miniscule part of what’s looming over him. What if Mom never made up with Chan and Auntie. What would happen to their annual big family gathering. What if Chan gets into trouble from his organization’s activities, and Seungcheol isn't there to help. What if, what if…

A dull pain hit Seungcheol’s right shoulder and woke him from his thoughts. Snapping his neck, Seungcheol saw a wide-eyed Wonwoo standing still. For a split second Seungcheol also froze on his spot, dazzled by the endearing way Wonwoo’s fox-like eyes turned softer when they recognized Seungcheol. It’s the first time Seungcheol had seen those orbs so close since he helped a beaten up Wonwoo when they were freshmen. 

Wonwoo called his name and made Seungcheol realize that once again he had been lost in thoughts. Very inappropriate thoughts of wanting to gaze at those beautiful orbs for as long as he could. Seungcheol shook the thought out of his head as it was impossible and a waste of energy.

_Why?_

Ignoring the tiny voice at the corner of his head, Seungcheol put all his energy to straighten up and say, “Sorry about that.” He didn’t look Wonwoo in the eyes this time, afraid of getting entrapped by them again. 

Seungcheol thought he heard genuine concern in Wonwoo’s “Are you okay?” just when he was turning on his heels. The sincerity pushed Seungcheol’s feet to move faster. There were no footsteps following behind, he thought with relief. 

But after only a few meters Seungcheol was forced to another stop by a sudden tap to his left shoulder. It was Baekho, same year but from Biology. Seungcheol couldn’t really focus on Baekho’s words but he could pick up the gist: there’ll be a party at a new bar near campus, and since the owner was an alumni, they could get drinks for a special price just for tonight. 

Seungcheol hadn’t felt like partying in months. He said to Baekho see you at the bar. 

Later that night Baekho texted him the bar’s address, along with the info of their faculty’s popular girls coming to the party. Seungcheol replied with extra exclamation marks and fire emoji without any feelings to it. He didn’t put much thought into his clothing before stepping out of his room and heading to the bar. 

First few minutes stepping into the bar, Seungcheol thought that he would have a great time here if he didn’t feel so miserable. The party had a lively vibe but not rowdy, just the way he liked it. But tonight he didn’t have the luxury to enjoy the atmosphere nor the chat with his friends. All he managed was pretending to have the time of his life by filling himself up with booze. The rational part of his mind told him that it wouldn’t make him feel better and yet he continued to take gulp after gulp. His friends roared amusedly at his voracious drinking and none of them told him to slow down. 

One by one his friends started to disperse from the table, enthusiastic to approach the girls each of them had been eyeing on. When it was Seungcheol and Baekho left, Seungcheol announced that he’s going to take a piss. Baekho chuckled as he said teasingly, “Sure you’re not going to vomit everything you had today?” Seungcheol snorted, “I’m not Taemin,” mentioning their infamously lightweight friend. He had noticed the young woman who had been exchanging flirty glances with Baekho for the past minute. Seungcheol wasn’t going to be a bad friend and ruin his friend’s chance to get laid.

Seungcheol threw up the contents of his stomach as soon as he reached the toilet bowl. He didn’t even get to lock the door behind him, which explained how someone could get into the stall and put a hand on his back. The hand was rubbing him gently, accompanied with a familiar voice that told him not to hold back and let everything out. Seungcheol briefly thought to be wary of the stranger but the new presence was somehow comforting and he was too inebriated to make any well-thought decisions. 

Once there’s nothing left in his stomach to be flushed down the toilet, Seungcheol saw the hand of the person behind him reaching for the toilet paper on the side of the stall, ripping it before bringing it near Seungcheol’s lips.

“Do you mind if I...” the familiar voice asked for permission.

Still sitting on the floor, Seungcheol dragged his body closer to the toilet to make space between him and the stranger, so he could turn around and face him. He didn’t know what he had expected to see, but it certainly wasn’t Jeon Wonwoo sitting on the floor with him in a bar’s toilet. Despite feeling slightly better after vomiting, Seungcheol’s head still throbbed and having Wonwoo looking at him straight in the eyes, unmasked concern in his gaze, was a tad too much to handle in this state.

“I--”

A single syllable was all Seungcheol could manage before nausea hit him hard again. Thankfully his body was blessed with good reflex; his neck snapped to his left as soon as the disgusting sensation of puke traveled through his throat and he made it to the toilet bowl before the liquid forced itself out of his mouth. There’s not much this time, but it was messier. He saw some vomit smearing his right hand that gripped the toilet bowl. Seungcheol’s level of soberness allowed him to feel how gross it was, but not enough for him to take action about it.

There’s a small but firm “Sorry” as Wonwoo’s hand, gripping a piece of toilet paper, reached Seungcheol’s right hand and wiped the vomit off the knuckles. Seungcheol let him and there’s no more apology as Wonwoo’s hand moved to Seungcheol’s face to clean the skin around his lips. 

_I shouldn’t…._ the voice inside Seungcheol’s intoxicated mind said. It was weak, easily ignored in favor of the comfort that Wonwoo’s presence provided. He’s wasted. God, he’s completely _wasted_.

That’s the excuse Seungcheol told himself for letting Wonwoo pull him to his feet, keeping him from falling to the floor again by looping an arm around his back, holding the side of his left arm and pressing their bodies close. When they started to walk, Seungcheol saw glimpses of memories from their freshman year, the time Seungcheol guided Wonwoo’s steps with a position similar to this. The past mixed with the present, showing the sight of a hall heading to a door with round glass on both sides of the panel. He heard Wonwoo talking to someone, and then they’re walking again, opening the door that turned out to be the kitchen’s. It was loud with sizzling and yelling; Seungcheol unconsciously pressed himself closer to Wonwoo, feeling the warmth of the latter’s grounding him amidst the chaos he's going through. 

The back door of the kitchen led them to the outdoors. Seungcheol was still wobbling on his feet as a taxi, seemingly coming out of nowhere, stopped in front of them. They got in, got out, got in, a building this time, then the elevator, got out, got in, a door, one that Seungcheol had never seen before. That’s how Seungcheol remembered the rest of the night before his consciousness drifted away. 

  
  


***

Seungcheol woke up in a bed that’s not his. In a fleet of panic, he decided to jump off the unfamiliar bed. Wrong choice. His head spun so hard, knocking him off his balance not even a second since his feet touched the floor. It’s a blessing that his body fell back to the bed instead of the hard floor. 

Frustrated but thoughts less hazy, Seungcheol let himself lie on the mattress for a while. The throbbing pain in his head was annoying, although bearable compared to last night. He closed his eyes, letting his consciousness drift away.

Seungcheol didn’t know how much time had passed, but when he opened his eyes again, he felt much better. The throbbing pain was reduced into barely noticeable prickling. Along with the improving state of consciousness, slowly fragments of last night started to come back to him. Baekho. The bar. Drinks. Drinks, drinks, more drinks. Vomit. 

Jeon Wonwoo.

There were still some missing pieces of his memory puzzle, but the existing parts were enough for Seungcheol to figure out the owner of this room. So he wasn’t surprised when he went out of the bedroom and saw Jeon Wonwoo, his sleeping face looking blissfully at peace despite the way his long limbs spread awkwardly on the tiny sofa. 

Before the idea of getting out of this room secretly while Wonwoo’s unconscious, Seungcheol thought of plopping down on the floor in front of the sofa to admire that sleeping face. It took a while for his brain to understand what it meant. What it was telling him about the definition of his feelings towards the gay Chemistry student. 

_No..._

Seungcheol knees trembled, and this time it’s not because of alcohol. He’s almost getting over his hangover and fully aware of his heart telling him the truth he didn’t want. For years he had been pushing them to the back of his mind: the meaning behind his disinterest in talks about girls, the way sometimes his eyes would stay longer on the boy instead of the girl when a pair of good looking couple passed by. Everything he desperately tried to ignore, all forcing their way up to the surface of his consciousness since he met Wonwoo, the boy who managed to steal his gaze once and made him keep searching and searching until his eyes caught the sight of him again, even when Seungcheol told himself that he didn’t want to. 

Seungcheol didn’t want to want.

Before Seungcheol could stop himself, a choked sob escaped his lips. He tried to quiet himself but it was too late. He saw Wonwoo’s eyelids start to flutter. 

Wonwoo’s eyes looked hazy as he regained consciousness, but once they’re fully open and took in the sight of Seungcheol standing in front of him, they were filled with the color of concern.

“Are you okay?” Wonwoo asked as he sat up. He didn’t seem to be in a hangover, not even a little bit, judging from the swift way he pulled himself up into the seating position. He should be able to get off from the sofa and up to his feet with no problem, if Seungcheol didn’t let out a panicked “Stop!” in between his strangled sobs.

Wonwoo listened to Seungcheol and stayed seated on the tiny sofa, looking up to Seungcheol with patience blending with the existing concern in his eyes. Now that Seungcheol thought about it, Wonwoo always listened, even when Seungcheol never said anything. The realization made him feel like crying even more.

He fought the urge with every ounce of strength he could muster, cleared his throat, and said, “I’m going home.” He paused before adding “Thank you for your help” in a hoarse voice. 

For a second Seungcheol thought Wonwoo was going to stop him. There’s hesitation coloring Wonwoo’s expression, but eventually it settled into a calm understanding. “Let me get you your clothes,” Wonwoo said on his seat. 

Now the words weren’t exactly what Seungcheol had expected. They made him turn his gaze to his own self, finally noticing the unfamiliar shirt and pants that he’s wearing. Panic filled his head just like when he found himself waking up on Wonwoo’s bed a while ago. He barely heard Wonwoo saying how they should be dry by now because he had put them in the dryer after washing them last night. Seungcheol was preoccupied with the fact that he’s changed into Wonwoo’s clothes without remembering how it happened.

When Seungcheol finally looked up, he saw Wonwoo already getting up on his feet but still maintaining the distance with Seungcheol. “I’m sorry,” said Wonwoo, his eyes looking sincerely regretful. “I had to change your clothes because they got vomit. That’s it.”

Seungcheol had no doubt towards Wonwoo’s words. It was more plausible for _him_ to lose his reasoning due to alcohol and made a move on _Wonwoo_. It’s scary but somehow he trusted Wonwoo and couldn’t think of Wonwoo taking advantage of his inebriated state. But then this brought another kind of fear in Seungcheol’s heart. 

The growing fear pushed Seungcheol to let the repressed tears join those few tiny beads that already escaped and were almost drying on his cheeks. He wailed. He let his body tremble and fall to his knees. He cried the hardest he could remember in his entire life, and Wonwoo was there as the witness.

He felt movement in front of him and when Seungcheol looked up with his blurred vision, he could make out the figure of Wonwoo getting down on the floor while still keeping an arms length between them. Wonwoo did nothing else, said nothing more, and yet Seungcheol _felt it so intensely_. It’s terrifying.

“W-why?” Seungcheol didn’t elaborate. He couldn’t articulate it but he’s sure Wonwoo understood. Wonwoo always listened to his unspoken words. 

Wonwoo didn’t respond to Seungcheol’s desperate question. He seemed to be determined in keeping his silence, for Seungcheol’s sake of course. As always.

But this time Seungcheol insisted. He’s scared but no longer capable of feigning ignorance anymore. And so he asked again with more urgency, “ _Why?_ ”

There’s a hint of sadness now in Wonwoo’s eyes as he said, “I just wanted to help another student.” Seungcheol hated that look on Wonwoo’s eyes and the way he lied. More than that, he hated the fact that he’s the reason Wonwoo lied in the first place.

Drowning in the intense feeling, Seungcheol had a hard time figuring out what to think and what to do about it. He let his instinct guide his actions and the result was Seungcheol throwing himself forward to grab Wonwoo by the back of his neck and kiss him on the lips. 

The moment their lips touched, Seungcheol told himself: _You’re sober now. An emotional mess, but sober. There’s no going back._

It’s the scariest thing Seungcheol ever done but he kept his lips on Wonwoo’s. 

Wonwoo didn’t reciprocate. He waited patiently until Seungcheol pulled away and removed the hand from his neck. _What a liar_ , Seungcheol thought bitterly, despite knowing that Wonwoo was far from the biggest liar in the room.

“I didn’t want this,” Seungcheol hissed a worse lie. He was no longer sobbing, but there were still a stream of tears threatening to fall out from the brim of his eyes, especially when hearing Wonwoo’s gentle voice saying, “You don’t have to.”

“Too late!” One teardrop fell from Seungcheol’s left eye.

“I’m sorry.” 

“It’s your fault.” Another lie from Seungcheol’s lips.

“I’m sorry.”

When Seungcheol opened his mouth again, it was a desperate plea. “I give up,” he said, looking at Wonwoo straight in the eyes, begging and hoping Wonwoo would listen like he always did.

Wonwoo didn’t betray Seungcheol. He listened and pulled Seungcheol into his hold.

  
  


***

  
  


At first Seungcheol thought he had discovered his new self when he’s with Wonwoo. 

The new Seungcheol could be clingy. When they're safe within the confines of Wonwoo's room, Seungcheol often pulled Wonwoo to sit on his lap while the latter dived into the sea of words inside his books. 

The new Seungcheol could be expressive. Whining whenever Wonwoo had to leave him for hours to do his part-time job, moaning whenever Wonwoo hovered over him on the bed and touched him in all the blissful places.

The new Seungcheol could smile. Not that the old him had been a grump with perpetual frown on his face. It's just that whenever he’s alone with Wonwoo, he found a new purpose for his smile and it’s completely life-changing.

It took a while for Seungcheol to figure out that Wonwoo wasn't bringing out a new version of him. Sometimes Seungcheol would look at Wonwoo as they lay on Wonwoo’s bed, comparing his current feelings to what he felt whenever he's out there, in the classroom and other campus areas where Seungcheol and Wonwoo pretended to not know each other. 

The Seungcheol with Wonwoo was the real one. It’s always been there, nothing new.

The Seungcheol that's out there, the Seungcheol that had shown himself for the past 21 years, that one’s fake. 

And yet despite the realization, Seungcheol couldn’t throw away his fake self. No matter how much his lips itched to curve up when he met eyes with Wonwoo at campus, no matter how often he saw Chan and Seungkwan holding hands and imagined the intertwined fingers as his and Wonwoo’s, Seungcheol kept clinging to this Choi Seungcheol knockoff. Every time he’s close to being true to himself in public, his mind would always be filled by terrifying images of the Engineering Faculty guys who beat up Wonwoo six months ago, only that now they’re beating Seungcheol instead. Other times it’s his mother screaming hysterically at him while father looks at him in absolute disgust. The images felt so real, less of an imagination and more of a premonition describing the reality that will unfold if his relationship with Wonwoo was ever disclosed to the world.

Wonwoo never said anything about the fake Seungcheol. For example, the next day after their first kiss--their real first kiss where Wonwoo and Seungcheol caught each other’s eyes after a simple movie night in Wonwoo’s room and they both leaned in at the same time, not the one where Seungcheol pushed himself on Wonwoo during a hangover and a struggle to accept his romantic feelings towards the latter. That day after their first kiss, they happened to pass each other at their faculty. The true Seungcheol wanted nothing but to walk towards Wonwoo and shared some gentle kisses like last night. The fake Seungcheol was desperate to look away and move as far away from the spot. The two Seungcheol clashed, making him unable to move a limb. 

It only took Wonwoo one glance to pick up the internal dilemma going inside Seungcheol. The Chemistry student smoothly averted his gaze, walking past as if they’re complete strangers.

The only times Wonwoo would express his feelings were the mornings after Seungcheol’s infrequent overnight stay at Wonwoo’s place. His gaze would visibly waver whenever Seungcheol got off his bed, those thoughtful orbs were telling him the words Wonwoo’s lips never said: _Don’t leave me_. 

If their positions were reversed, Wonwoo would listen to his unspoken words and give Seungcheol what he wished. Seungcheol couldn’t do the same. So every time he pretended not to notice anything, never staying long in the morning after, always leaving Wonwoo with a single peck on the lips.

***

Seungcheol felt like throwing up. In front of the classroom his professor was explaining today’s subject in an excited tone and incorporating jokes here and there, capturing the attention of everyone but Seungcheol.

It’s been two days since Seungcheol received any contact from Wonwoo. It was normal for Wonwoo to leave his texts unread for several hours when Wonwoo was working or attending classes. But the Chemistry student always spared some time to reply every single day, at least in the nights before he went to bed. 

That’s why Seungcheol started to worry after a whole 24 hours of no reply, not even a sign of Wonwoo having read his texts. Seungcheol’s first thought was to stop by Wonwoo’s place but yesterday was a chaos; Mina broke her laptop, which stored a part of their group assignment due today. Their group had to drop everything and work together to rewrite the lost part. After that, Seungcheol was forced to hurry home because his mother insisted on him meeting her third cousin who just came home to their country after almost a decade. Even if Seungcheol had any energy left, he simply didn’t have the time. 

This morning he tried to call Wonwoo several times, even right before his first class. There was a ringtone every time, but the call was never picked up and Seungcheol’s mind started to come up with terrible what ifs. He regretted not trying to call sooner and couldn’t wait for his classes to end.

When the first class finally ended, Seungcheol scurried out of the classroom. There was only 1 hour left before his next class, not enough time to go to Wonwoo’s and get back, but Seungcheol couldn’t care less. There was no way he could focus on class, not when every second passed he grew more and more anxious about Wonwoo’s wellbeing. 

Before Seungcheol could head to the train station, he caught the sight of Mingyu walking down the corridor of their faculty. He didn’t even think as he hurriedly approached the taller man. 

“Have you seen Wonwoo?” Once the question was out of his mouth, Seungcheol realized that he should’ve taken some time to greet Mingyu first. The worry that had been building up inside him already took over him. 

Mingyu looked startled, probably because Seungcheol appeared so suddenly, although he quickly discarded his confusion as his gaze swept over Seungcheol’s face. Seungcheol had no idea what Mingyu saw there, but it made the taller guy let out a small sigh before answering Seungcheol’s question. “Yeah we dropped by yesterday and looked after him.”

“Is he okay?” Seungcheol asked again, nervous but eager to hear the answer.

Mingyu looked somewhat hesitant to open his mouth this time. Fortunately for Seungcheol, Mingyu seemed to dismiss whatever’s holding him back with another quiet sigh. Unfortunately, Mingyu’s explanation made his heart sink.

“A bad flu and fever. Still too weak to move around so we’re staying until he can get back to his feet.”

It wasn’t just the fact that Wonwoo was sick which upset Seungcheol.

“Why didn’t he tell me?” He couldn’t help the hint of disappointment in his voice.

Mingyu gave an apologetic gaze and shrugged. “We saw your texts and calls but Minghao-- I mean, we’re already there with him so it’s fine…”

Seungcheol could see the truth behind Mingyu’s sloppily filtered words: Minghao was the one who told Mingyu to ignore Seungcheol’s texts and calls. It’s easy to imagine Minghao looking at notifications of Seungcheol’s texts with contempt on his face. After all, it’s Minghao’s default expression whenever Seungcheol enters his line of sight. It had been like that ever since Seungcheol and Wonwoo’s relationship was discovered by Wonwoo’s best friends. They had never talked about it; Seungcheol never asked and Minghao never said or did anything but giving Seungcheol looks of obvious disdain. 

Anyway, Seungcheol decided to push Minghao’s hostility to the bottom of his priority. After Mingyu explained that Minghao was occupied with classes until late in the afternoon, Seungcheol told Mingyu he’s going with Mingyu to give Wonwoo his lunch. 

Seungcheol finally saw Wonwoo for the first time in two days. Wonwoo was lying on his bed wrapped tightly in two layers of blanket. He was already awake when Seungcheol and Mingyu approached his bed. It broke Seungcheol’s heart to see Wonwoo’s eyes colored with fatigue and pain, the only small blessing being the happy glint that appeared when they recognized Seungcheol’s presence. 

The true Seungcheol had known that his own smile served a meaningful purpose, which was to bring a smile onto Wonwoo’s face. That’s why Seungcheol kneeled next to Wonwoo’s bed and showed his most sincere smile in the past 48 hours. 

“How are you doing?” He felt stupid for asking that since Wonwoo was obviously not okay, but tried to not dwell on it and kept the edges of his lips cuving up.

“Better. Thank you,” he whispered weakly, even though Seungcheol did nothing to be thankful for.

Mingyu said something about Wonwoo’s laundry and left Seungcheol with the congee he bought for his sick friend. Seungcheol helped Wonwoo to sit up and feed him as he told Wonwoo about his day. Wonwoo didn’t seem enthusiastic about eating, making Seungcheol wonder how bad the sickness got to Wonwoo’s throat, but never refused every spoon of congee Seungcheol brought to his lips. Rather than eating, Wonwoo looked more content to listen to Seungcheol going on about the family of cats living behind their faculty cafeteria. Wonwoo often shared his food with them and they showed their gratitude by letting Wonwoo pet them. Seungcheol said that they missed him. To that Wonwoo replied with a weak but sincere smile, and a “Must get better faster then.”

After Wonwoo finished the bowl of congee and drank his medicine, he looked at Seungcheol and said carefully, “You should go home,” his gentle tone stabbing Seungcheol’s chest.

Seungcheol could feel his own smile falling apart, but quickly tried to produce another one, ignoring the pang in his chest. “It’s fine. I’ll just say I have another tight deadline.” He hoped it would reassure Wonwoo, but the latter responded with, “You already spent the night on Monday.” 

Wonwoo was being rational. Seungcheol had been telling his parents that he’s staying in the lab or another Physics student’s house to work on assignments whenever he’s spending the night at Wonwoo’s. It was just 4 days ago when Seungcheol used the excuse. Seungcheol’s mother wouldn’t let Seungcheol work through the night so often, not without fussing about Seungcheol’s health and insisting to go bring Seungcheol and his friends some nutritious dinner.

Seungcheol didn’t actually mean it when he said he’ll leave after Wonwoo goes to sleep. He took Wonwoo’s hand when he told his lie, and it took less than 5 minutes for Wonwoo’s eyes to close after Seungcheol continuously gave gentle strokes with his thumb. Seungcheol took his time to listen to Wonwoo’s faint breath, to ingrain the sight of Wonwoo’s peaceful face into his memory. It suddenly hit Seungcheol that he had missed Wonwoo so bad before. Dramatic, he admitted, but it’s the fact. Two days not seeing him and not even hearing a word from Wonwoo had proven to be torturous for Seungcheol.

 _That’s how important he is_ , the voice in his head told him with the utmost certainty. 

It sparked a fear inside Seungcheol’s chest, prompting him to let go of Wonwoo’s hand. Regret washed over him as soon as he let go.

Seungcheol told himself that he’s going to the kitchen to calm the turmoil inside his chest, trying not to feel too bad about leaving the sleeping Wonwoo. However as soon as he stepped out of the bedroom with an empty bowl in his hand, he caught the sight of Mingyu and Minghao standing in the kitchen. Minghao must’ve been done with his classes for the day. 

“No more classes?” Seungcheol asked in exchange for a proper greeting, not exactly knowing what’s proper for someone who apparently hates your guts.

Minghao didn’t bother to hide his frown as he answered with a grunt. It was selfish but Seungcheol wished that Wonwoo would drop Minghao as a friend. That would leave only Mingyu, who might not be _that_ fond of Seungcheol either, but at least Mingyu had the courtesy to act civil when Seungcheol was around. Like now when Mingyu offered to take the empty bowl from Seungcheol and wash it.

Seungcheol refused the offer with a thank you and moved towards the sink, but before he could turn on the tap, he heard Minghao speak.

“You can go home after that.”

The authoritative tone in those words made the blood in Seungcheol’s head reach its boiling point. It took Seungcheol quite an effort to not snap his head and shout. Instead, he turned around slowly and gave Minghao a look in the eyes.

“I can do things without you telling me, thank you,” he said quietly but firmly.

Minghao had the audacity to scoff in front of Seungcheol’s face. “We can take care of him.” 

“Yes, you can,” Seungcheol said, lips trembling as he tried to keep his tone civil. “Also, you can tell me about him. You could’ve done that earlier actually.” He succeeded but not without leaving a hint of bitterness in his voice. He was after all, pissed at Minghao for letting his texts and calls for Wonwoo left unread.

To be honest, Seungcheol didn’t think that Minghao would simply say “I’m sorry, I was wrong,” but he never thought there’s a possibility of Minghao replying with, “Why would I? Who are _you_ to him?”

More than the question itself, Seungcheol was shocked at how he wasn’t able to answer it immediately. He and Wonwoo shared loving gazes, kisses, and touches but not once did they talk about what they were. Seungcheol was too afraid to bring it up, and Wonwoo was most probably aware of it, so he never asked. They didn’t always sleep together when they met, often it was them talking about their day, sharing laughter whenever someone’s happy and hugs whenever someone’s tired or sad. They should be more than just a lover. But how could Seungcheol say that with confidence? He didn’t have any proof to show himself, let alone other people. 

That night Seungcheol ended up going home. He lay alone on his own bed and he couldn’t sleep. His head was full of imaginations of a near future where Wonwoo got sick again or into some kind of trouble, and none of Wonwoo’s family, friends, and co-workers notified Seungcheol because most of them didn’t even know Seungcheol existed. Only a handful of people knew that they were a part of each other’s life, and only Wonwoo and himself knew how much those shared parts meant. 

Seungcheol thought he had known life’s greatest fear when Chan appeared with a boyfriend. He had experienced how that fear manifested into a living nightmare as his mother erased his cousins’ existence from their family. He’s still living in the nightmare, with a new and equally terrifying threat of his parents finding out his relationship with Wonwoo. He didn’t know that there was still a much bigger fear than those. If this fear ever turned into a living nightmare, Seungcheol didn’t think he could live through it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> The last chapter may or may not take longer than a week.  
> I'll do my best so it's worth the wait ^^


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